MARRIAGE, AMBITION AND SUCCESS BY CHIDERA AUSTIN-AWULONU

‘We teach girls to shrink themselves.We say to them “you can have ambition but not too much. Aim to be successful, but not too successful; else, you would threaten the man.”
Because I am female, I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important.

Lines by the famous Chimamanda Adichie.
An average person is of the opinion that no matter what a woman accomplishes, she is never fully successful if she isn’t married. Which is why when she is growing up; she is taught to make decisions that will enable her get married. We hear comments like ‘you better be clean. No man likes a dirty wife’. Not because being dirty is a bad habit or because it’s unhealthy, but because ‘men’ don’t like dirty women. We also hear comments like ‘you better learn to cook. The fastest way to a man’s heart is through food’ again comments like that are made not because cooking is a skill that will help a woman be self-sufficient and adapt to future situations, but because it will help her get a man in the nearest future. And so regardless of a woman’s plan for her life she is unconsciously taught from young to make plans and do things that will enable her get a man in the nearest future, which consequently makes her believe she can never be complete without a man.

This is also the reason why when a young lady is ambitious, she is cautioned not to be ‘too ambitious’ not because too much of everything isn’t good but because men are intimidated by successful women. And when she begins to attain a certain age, pressure begins to mount from family members to get a man and gossip and snide comments from random people follow.
And so, I have decided to do my bit by educating minds that are ill nourished in that regard.

First, marriage is not a determiner of success any more than wealth or riches is a determiner of success because, success is simply the achievement of one’s desired aim or goal. And so, a person is successful not mainly because the person is wealthy but simply because the person was able to accomplish what he or she set out to do. As a result, success can only be measured by the individual who set out to do a particular thing and those few who are actually aware of what the individual set out to do because only the individual and those few people know the goals and targets he/she set for himself/herself.

Having explained that, it is intelligent to say that merely judging success based on wealth alone shows a lack of understanding of the concept “success” not to then mention that success is dependent on marriage. Arguing about the value a man adds to a woman and why a woman is termed successful only when she is married is another topic for another day.

Regarding young ambitious girls, I pose the question. Why are they being dissuaded?. It is because society feels that,  as an accomplished woman, finding a man is nearly impossible because she would be self-made and career oriented and that once she starts thinking like a man, it makes her less of a woman. And I ask. Please who determines which thinking is for men and for women? Why should society keep telling young girls that they  1.)have to get married and  2.) need to aim low to get a man.

Excuse me, but I am sincerely surprised that men don’t feel insulted by that notion, because it means that because I am a man it means I am not smart enough to compete with an ambitious woman. It means I am threatened by successful woman. I as a man can’t be the head of a home if my wife makes more money than me or we both earn six or seven figures.

In an attempt to correct this notion, I would say that if both partners earn six figure salaries it doesn’t make the husband any more of a man than it makes the wife any more of a woman. So please dear ambitious ladies. Be ambitious. Aim for the top because in the long run,  getting married and above that, staying happily married isn’t because of your personality ,your character, your beauty even your cooking skills or sex skills, fashion sense or make up abilities. It all boils down to the grace of God almighty.

So believe me when I say this, the right man would never be intimidated by your wealth or career but would love you, respect you and even encourage you.
 

Written by Chidera Austin-Awulonu